Stanislava (55)

April 25, 2022, Bratislava. Day 60 of war. 

She likes culture, she likes to go to museums and galleries. She also does so in Bratislava. It helps her to forget for a moment, to escape from the reality that hurts so much. She did not apply for financial help, she says that there are those who need this help more than she does. She looks strong and brave. However, no one can see if the soul is hurting. We only know about people's feelings and fears when they can talk about them, when they open their hearts to us and when we manage to gain their trust. Mental problems are not easy to talk about. The war will leave scars on the soul of every Ukrainian. Of all the mothers, children, the elderly, those fighting, but also those who fled abroad before the war. 

“I come from Kiev. I worked at school, I spoke Ukrainian with students and colleagues there. We spoke Russian at home and out of school, and no one blamed me for speaking the enemy's language. The Russians say they are conducting a special operation in Ukraine to save the Russian-speaking population, which no one threatened. They only want to kill us because someone speaks Ukrainian and someone speaks Russian.” 

“I would like to return to Kiev. I have a husband there, he is a member of the city defense. He tells me he misses me much. When he manages to go home, he finds an empty apartment, no one is waiting for him there. Fortunately, there the situation in Kiev is calm at the moment, but in Odessa, where I have my 25-year-old son, or in Kirovograd, where my mother-in-law lives, shellings are common. There is not a single place in Ukraine that is not affected in any way. Some places were affected less, other much more. Yesterday they showed how railway hubs were bombed in central Ukraine. I don't know who can stop it. We believe that God, some miracle, politicians will help us. One person can't do it anymore. Only Putin himself, but I don't believe it. I don't believe he's human. I do not understand what have we done to deserve the "honor" of fighting the darkness. I want to believe that we will be the better ones and that God only sends us what we can defeat. That this is our mission. You can't live otherwise. We must believe in victory and that the light will win over the war, and that the war will end. Why would we live if we didn't believe? It is very important that the world supports us. I am happy when I walk around Bratislava and see Ukrainian flags everywhere.” 

“The first days in Kiev were terrible. I woke up to the sounds of explosions at half past four in the morning. I didn't understand what was going on. My husband jumped out of bed and shouted "it's here"! He knew right away what was going on. He got ready quickly and left. I hid with our dog in the anti-bomb shelters all week. Every day I came home so I could feed the cat when there was light outside. I didn't have a portable cage for her. Those 45 minutes on the way home and back were the worst moments, full of fear. I heard gunshots near me, I saw explosions. On every corner, I was afraid that someone would point the Kalashnikov at me and shoot me. Once at home I fed the cat, brushed my teeth, made coffee, took something to eat and went back into the darkness. They didn't let us have any light in the evening, we couldn't even talk so they (the Russians) wouldn’t find us.” 

“I left the anti-bomb shelter when Russian troops tried to get to Kiev. The fighting was happening only two streets away from me. I was so paralyzed by fear that I couldn't get out of bed. I understood that I would definitely not be able to manage the next night on my own, that I had to be with other people and somewhere where no shooting took place. One week spent in the anti-bomb shelter squeezed all my strength out of me. I thought I'd be better there, but there were people as desperate as I was. That's why I returned home after a week, where I lived for another 4 days. I cooked for local soldiers.” 

“However, I quickly realized that my mental state was deteriorating and I didn't care about where I went. I just had to run away. I have to thank the volunteers who helped me leave town. I got in the first car. They drove us across the fields to Chernivtsi. A colleague and her daughter also went with me. As soon as we moved, something exploded behind us and she laid her daughter on the ground  of the car next to our feet. She feared that if they fired at our car, a shot through the window could kill her. We drove very fast. We had the word "volunteers" written on the front hood of the car and white flags on the sides. They let us go through all the check-points, they just looked in the car and saw that it was full of women and children. We came to Vinitsa at night, at which point the air alarm just started. We couldn't continue because all the gas stations were closed due to an alarm and we needed to refuel.” 

“We arrived in Chernivtsi at 3:30 in the morning. They took us to a large room where mattresses were spread out on the floor. They showed us where the bathrooms and kitchen are. When I came to the kitchen, I collapsed mentally. I hugged the dog and kept crying. I didn't believe I'd get out of there alive. I'm still scared because I don't know what will happen to my family. Many write to me that it is good that I am safe. I understand that, but my heart is out of place.” 

“I was in Chernivtsi for a month. Then I went home for a week, but those air raids didn't do me any good. I had mental problems because of that, so I came here on April 11th. We didn't even have peace in Lviv anymore, we had to run to the shelters with every sounding alarm.” 

“Even while in Bratislava, I can't get used to the sounds of ambulances or trains. I still feel like there's an alarm or they're going to bomb us. As a child, I went to see a psychologist because whenever I heard a plane at night, I panicked and hid under the bed. My parents didn't know why. It wasn't until the psychologist explained to my mother that there was a so-called gene memory. My mother experienced bombing in Bessarabia when she was 3 years old. She and her grandmother were fleeing for 3 months to the Krasnodar region before the war, travelling on carriages, on foot, on wagons. My mother has been very scared of planes since then, because the plane meant bombing for her. The psychologist helped me, cured me, I could even fly, I was not afraid. Everything was fine until February 24. That's when all the mental problems came back to me and I want to hide under the bed again.” 

“My cousin lives in Nova Kokhovka. The Russian troops entered the city on the morning of the 24th. They can't evacuate, they don't have electricity, water, shops and pharmacies don't work. This is life in occupation. My husband's cousin and her family live in Mariupol, their son goes to the 10th grade. His mother-in-law is immobile. They didn't leave the city because of her, they thought they could handle it, that nothing bad could happen to them. We have no contact with them since March 13.” 

“My husband said last summer that he didn't like the situation, that it looked like the Russians were going to attack us. We had known for half a year, but no one, at least us, were preparing for it. We have nowhere to go, we don't know anyone abroad, and yet it is our country, our houses. We did nothing wrong to anyone. When I call people in Russia, I have to explain to them that we have no nuclear weapons, no laboratories. If we had them, no one would attack us. I still believed there would be no war. I still believed even when they showed on television that we were surrounded by troops at all borders. No one expected such betrayal from Belarus.” 

“I want it to end as soon as possible so I can go home. I can't imagine staying here. I want to go home. My former classmate, who now lives in Kazan and has parents in Kirovograd, asked me, what would happen if the Russians entered the city? I don't even want to think about it, I don't believe that something like this could happen. I believe that we are warriors of light and that we will win this war.” 

“I have not registered with the Foreign Police yet, I do not have the status of a temporary refugee. They told us that if we applied for it officially, then we would have to give it up officially too. I work from home, so I won't even ask for financial help. I get paid, there are people who need help more than I do. I have enough money to buy food and everything I need.”